Quote

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Moving
Strobe
Light
Headlights
Looks
Lights
Like
Replaced
Car
Humor
Comedy
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright