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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Like
Replaced
Car
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Moving
Strobe
Light
Headlights
Looks
Lights

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright