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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Looks
Lights
Like
Replaced
Car
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Moving
Strobe
Light
Headlights
More quotes by Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright