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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Strobe
Moving
Headlights
Light
Lights
Looks
Replaced
Like
Car
Humor
Comedy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright