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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Light
Headlights
Looks
Lights
Like
Replaced
Car
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Moving
Strobe

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright