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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Like
Replaced
Car
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Moving
Strobe
Light
Headlights
Looks
Lights

More quotes by Steven Wright

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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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