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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Gone
Poured
Irritated
Pet
Spot
Spots
Dog
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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