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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Gone
Poured
Irritated
Pet
Spot
Spots
Dog

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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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