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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dog
Gone
Poured
Irritated
Pet
Spot
Spots

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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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