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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Gone
Poured
Irritated
Pet
Spot
Spots
Dog

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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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