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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Irritated
Pet
Spot
Spots
Dog
Gone
Poured
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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