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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Spots
Dog
Gone
Poured
Irritated
Pet
Spot

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright