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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Always
Temperature
Room
Humor
Rooms
Comedy
Funny
Doesn
Matter

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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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