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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Always
Temperature
Room
Humor
Rooms
Comedy
Funny
Doesn
Matter

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
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What a nice night for an evening.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright