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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Doesn
Matter
Always
Temperature
Room
Humor
Rooms
Comedy

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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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