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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Men
Gambling
Odd
Wheels
Considered
Argument
Number
Roulette
Numbers
Vegas
Long
Wheel

More quotes by Steven Wright

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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright