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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Argument
Number
Roulette
Numbers
Vegas
Long
Wheel
Men
Gambling
Odd
Wheels
Considered
More quotes by Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright