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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Evolution
Theory
Comedy
Funny
Science
Darwin
Adopted

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright