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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Evolution
Theory
Comedy
Funny
Science
Darwin
Adopted

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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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