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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Adopted
Evolution
Theory
Comedy
Funny
Science
Darwin

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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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