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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Science
Darwin
Adopted
Evolution
Theory
Comedy
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright