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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Funny
Science
Darwin
Adopted
Evolution
Theory
More quotes by Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright