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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Darwin
Adopted
Evolution
Theory
Comedy
Funny
Science

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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