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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Science
Darwin
Adopted
Evolution
Theory
Comedy
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright