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If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Psychedelic
People
Acid
Addict
Dropped
Drug
Humor
Religion
Funny
Cocaine

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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