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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Addict
Dropped
Drug
Humor
Religion
Funny
Cocaine
Would
Psychedelic
People
Acid
More quotes by Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
