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If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Addict
Dropped
Drug
Humor
Religion
Funny
Cocaine
Would
Psychedelic
People
Acid

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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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