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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Kids
Quicksand
Littles
Sand
Little
Boxes
Children
Eventually
Humor
Comedy
Child
Funny

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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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