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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
World
Paint
Wouldn
Humor
Comedy
Small
Funny
Work

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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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