Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Santa
Comedy
Weather
Funny
Christmas
Warm
Bermuda
Tired
Triangle
Triangles
Moved
Claus
Missing
Alaska
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
