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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Christmas
Warm
Bermuda
Tired
Triangle
Moved
Triangles
Missing
Claus
Humor
Alaska
Comedy
Santa
Funny
Weather
More quotes by Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I took a baby shower.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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What do batteries run on?
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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