Quote

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Santa
Funny
Weather
Christmas
Warm
Bermuda
Tired
Triangle
Moved
Triangles
Missing
Claus
Humor
Alaska

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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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