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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Inspire
Health
Bikers
Humor
Cholesterol
Worry
Motorcycle
Food
Racing
Funny
Suicide
Death
Drive
Way
Fast
More quotes by Steven Wright
I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright