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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Cholesterol
Worry
Motorcycle
Food
Racing
Funny
Suicide
Death
Drive
Way
Fast
Inspire
Health
Bikers
More quotes by Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
