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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Cholesterol
Worry
Motorcycle
Food
Racing
Funny
Suicide
Death
Drive
Way
Fast
Inspire
Health
Bikers

More quotes by Steven Wright

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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright