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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Way
Fast
Inspire
Health
Bikers
Humor
Cholesterol
Worry
Motorcycle
Food
Racing
Funny
Suicide
Death
Drive

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright