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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Worry
Motorcycle
Food
Racing
Suicide
Funny
Drive
Death
Fast
Way
Inspire
Health
Bikers
Humor
Cholesterol

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright