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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Health
Bikers
Humor
Cholesterol
Worry
Motorcycle
Food
Racing
Funny
Suicide
Death
Drive
Way
Fast
Inspire
More quotes by Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright