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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nature
Specific
Anything
Stores
General
Wouldn
Humor
Comedy
Went
Shopping
Funny
Store

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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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