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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nature
Specific
Anything
Stores
General
Wouldn
Humor
Comedy
Went
Shopping
Funny
Store
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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