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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Comedy
Went
Shopping
Funny
Store
Nature
Specific
Anything
Stores
General
Wouldn
More quotes by Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright