Quote

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Went
Shopping
Funny
Store
Nature
Specific
Anything
Stores
General
Wouldn
Humor

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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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