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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nature
Specific
Anything
Stores
General
Wouldn
Humor
Comedy
Went
Shopping
Funny
Store
More quotes by Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright