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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Anything
Stores
General
Wouldn
Humor
Comedy
Went
Shopping
Funny
Store
Nature
Specific

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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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What do batteries run on?
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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