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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Saws
Humor
Comedy
Funny
August
Back
Heat
Would
Weather
Wave
Summer
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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