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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Back
Heat
Would
Weather
Wave
Summer
Saws
Humor
Comedy
Funny
August

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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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