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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Comedy
Funny
August
Back
Heat
Would
Weather
Wave
Summer
Saws

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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright