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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Side
Comedy
Sides
Future
Funny
Peripheral
Way
Visionary
Visionaries
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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