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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Side
Comedy
Sides
Future
Funny
Peripheral
Way
Visionary
Visionaries
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
