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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Side
Comedy
Sides
Future
Funny
Peripheral
Way
Visionary
Visionaries

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright