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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Side
Comedy
Sides
Future
Funny
Peripheral
Way
Visionary
Visionaries
More quotes by Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
