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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Beaches
Seen
Largest
Funny
Collection
Keep
Collections
Nature
Beach
World
Perhaps
Humor
Fun

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright