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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fun
Comedy
Beaches
Seen
Largest
Funny
Collection
Keep
Collections
Nature
Beach
World
Perhaps
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
