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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Powdered
Add
Humor
Water
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright