Quote

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
People
Behinds
Accelerator
Behind
Pedal
Humor
Pedals
Comedy
Brake
Stop
Hooked
Gone
Gas
Funny
Lights
Light
Car

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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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