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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
People
Behinds
Accelerator
Behind
Pedal
Humor
Pedals
Comedy
Brake
Stop
Hooked
Gone
Gas
Funny
Lights
Light
Car

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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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