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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Brake
Stop
Hooked
Gone
Gas
Funny
Lights
Light
Car
People
Behinds
Accelerator
Behind
Pedal
Humor
Pedals
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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