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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
People
Behinds
Accelerator
Behind
Pedal
Humor
Pedals
Comedy
Brake
Stop
Hooked
Gone
Gas
Funny
Lights
Light
Car
More quotes by Steven Wright
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
