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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stop
Hooked
Gone
Gas
Funny
Lights
Light
Car
People
Behinds
Accelerator
Behind
Pedal
Humor
Pedals
Comedy
Brake
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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