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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Witty
Humorous
Humor
Written
Life
Existentialism
Existential
Maps

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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