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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Life
Existentialism
Existential
Maps
Witty
Humorous
Humor
Written
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
