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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Existential
Maps
Witty
Humorous
Humor
Written
Life
Existentialism

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright