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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Written
Life
Existentialism
Existential
Maps
Witty
Humorous
More quotes by Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
