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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mistake
Sleep
Morning
Made
Good
Woke
Girlfriend
Mistakes
Asked

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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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