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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Asked
Mistake
Sleep
Morning
Made
Good
Woke
Girlfriend
Mistakes

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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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