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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Asked
Mistake
Sleep
Morning
Made
Good
Woke
Girlfriend
Mistakes

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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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