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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mistake
Sleep
Morning
Made
Good
Woke
Girlfriend
Mistakes
Asked
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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