Quote

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Girlfriend
Mistakes
Asked
Mistake
Sleep
Morning
Made
Good
Woke

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
Image
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
Image
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
Image
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
Image
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
Image
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
Image
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
Image
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
Image
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
Image
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
Image
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
Image
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
Image
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
Image
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
Image
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
Image
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
Image
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright