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What a nice night for an evening.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Evening
Humor
Nice
Funny
Night

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright