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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Worth
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Penny
Making
Pennies
Two
Cents
Someone
Somewhere
Thoughts
More quotes by Steven Wright
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
